May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. -2 Corinthians 13:14
For the past few weeks I’ve been pondering and asking God what my “word” for 2023 will be. I’ve had a few words and themes come to mind, but nothing was sticking out to me as the obvious answer.
Usually the process goes like this: I start looking at word-of-the-year threads in Facebook groups and watching what others post on Instagram, and eventually someone else’s word gives me a flutter in my gut. I turn it over a bit and say “yeah maybe”, and then I’ll start to see and hear it EVERYWHERE. Books, songs, billboards, conversations. And I wouldn’t be able to get it out of my head.
This year whenever I thought “maybe that’s it”, a few days would go by and then something else would pull at me. I had two or three actual words, and a couple of overall themes, but couldn’t land anywhere. It’s been frustrating.
Finally a few days ago at our weekly evening prayer group at church, I was talking with our pastor about our past words of the year and what we were pondering for this year. Long story short, we followed a rabbit trail from a random song that’s been on both of our minds, to a video church service/sermon recorded during summer 2020, to the verse above.
That phrase “the fellowship of the Holy Spirit” hit me like jumping into a refreshingly cold lake. I realized I knew where this rabbit trail was leading. I looked up the original Greek of that verse, and sure enough, the word translated there as fellowship is “KOINONIA”.
To tell the rest of the story, I have to start by going back a few years.
I grew up in a good home. In middle school I chose to make God part of my life while at a summer camp. In high school I led Bible studies. In college I attended gatherings and retreats for one of the Christian groups on campus (it’s where I met my husband). My entire married life (almost 20 years) I’ve been heavily involved in leading our church, from the music team to the church council to kids activities to eventually working there part time as the office administrator.
During the final week of 2019, I found myself alone at church on one of my work days. My emotions had been on a downward trend for a few weeks, and I couldn’t fully put my finger on why. It was the Christmas season, and yet I was so unsettled. I sat on the floor of the church sanctuary, weeping, praying “God I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
It was the beginning of a very dark time for my faith and life. Even before covid invaded in March 2020, in February I was journaling about how apathetic and depressed I felt. I didn’t want to be at our church anymore, I didn’t want to be in leadership there, I didn’t want to work there. I wanted to GO. I was so so tired and just kept asking God to make it obvious if I was supposed to stick it out or quit and go elsewhere.
Since there was no revelatory push to go (other than my fickle feelings, which weren’t confirmed by any outside sources), I stayed. Most Sundays and work days I simply went through the motions. I did just enough to accomplish the minimum of what was required of me.
I spent almost two years in a deep, lonely wilderness.
In November 2021, our church hosted its first of five events as part of a Dunamis Project by PRMI (Presbyterian-Reformed Ministries International). Our pastor had gone to a conference and had a life-changing encounter with God and the work of the Holy Spirit, and wanted our congregation and local region to experience it too.
Being on church staff, and having all of my kids in school full-time, I really had no excuse to not go. So I attended the three-day conference, where my mind became saturated and overflowing. I learned about the workings of the Holy Spirit in the past and the present, I spent lots of time in worship and prayer, and I experienced being anointed and prophesied over.
Surprisingly I came away feeling refreshed instead of overwhelmed by it all.
I started reading my Bible again because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. The following spring when I rearranged and redecorated our master bedroom, I included a wingback chair next to shelves with plants and candles, which I affectionately dubbed my “prayer and pondering corner”. The deep green I chose to paint our walls was called Wilderness.
In late March 2022 I attended the next Dunamis conference at our church, this one about the power of prayer. I’ve said for years (since college probably) that I have a passion for prayer, but have never really put it into regular practice. Sure we have mealtime and bedtime prayers, and I’d gotten really good at “arrow prayers” — those short sentences shot upward when needed. But deep prayer? I’ve wanted it. Even craved it. But never could seem to make it a priority.
After that conference I wrote in my journal “God what a shift in me these last few days! From being dry and empty to being used by You. There wasn’t a specific turning point, but I know that by the time I came in this morning I was looking forward to praying over these people so much more than receiving anything for myself… Wow, I knew I had a passion for prayer that’s been awakening in me, but goodness. It feels insanely invigorating to be used in this way.”
Journaling is such a good practice…
Looking back, all summer and into the fall I experienced so many ups and downs. When God told me my word that year was “adventure” he wasn’t messing around! Every Sunday morning I found myself praying constantly throughout the service for our pastor and the people of our church. And as my prayer life deepened, I started recognizing so many attacks from the enemy as well (which made me think I was on the right track!).
October 2022 was our next conference, about the healing ministry of Jesus. Relational, emotional, physical healing. I found myself pulled in to be part of the team of people whose job it is throughout these conferences to intercede and pray for the attendees.
SO many little things happened throughout that weekend, I filled TEN PAGES of my journal with stories. In less than a year, I went from a place of such darkness to brilliant light and letting God use my light to build up the lives of others. I went from learning about the spiritual gifts I’ve been entrusted with to using those gifts and encouraging and anointing both those I had just met and also my friends.
After that conference I continued in my role of intercession at our church. And honestly the last few months have continued to be a roller coaster of both utter joy and deep loneliness. At times I still find myself down on the floor of that sanctuary or in front of my prayer chair, sometimes in awe of what God has done through me and sometimes in tears at the difficulties I continue to face.
I’m experiencing such a fullness in my spiritual life, and I don’t want to ever go back.
* * *
Since October, the word KOINONIA has been coming to mind over and over. I’d heard it years ago, in reference to how the believers in the early church in Acts shared fellowship together. But as I’ve experienced these conferences, I’ve come to understand the utter depth of it. It’s not fellowship like donuts after church, and it’s not fellowship like reading a short devotional to start my day.
It’s such a deep sense of connection that it actually makes my gut ache to crave it so much.
I crave koinonia with God, that deep deep sense of relationship that best friends have. Even God himself is the ultimate example of it — while the Trinity will forever be a mystery that I can’t logically understand, I know the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are intertwined in relationship, and I want to be part of that.
I also crave koinonia with others. I want friendships that go beyond chit chat and how-are-the-kids-doing, who talk regularly in-person about the beautiful and hard things God is doing in our lives. A deep, spiritual connection with others.
And so when God once again highlighted the word koinonia to me on that Tuesday night, as strange of a word as it might be for a “word of the year”, it’s where I’ve landed for 2023. I’ll be pursuing koinonia with God and with my local community.
* * *
I’ll admit my writing life has been slowing down over the last year. Blog posts have become few and far between, and I haven’t even written many Instagram posts lately. I’ve felt like anytime I try, I’m just adding to the noise of the internet. And honestly even the homesteading podcasts I usually listen to haven’t seemed all that interesting to me.
My online name of Faithful Frugal Farmgirl that I was once so passionate about has fallen flat for me recently… other than the Faithful part.
This new friendship with the Holy Spirit that I’ve discovered is what truly makes me come alive these days.
And so I plan to lean in 100% to that this year. Maybe God will put the passion in me again to share about my kitchen, gardening, and simple living adventures. Maybe he’ll shift the message I’m supposed to share publicly. I don’t know.
If you’ve started following me recently, I’m sorry to leave you hanging so soon! Leave a comment if you’d like to know some of my recommended homesteaders to follow online.
Please know that I do think online community is a beautiful thing, but my personal focus at this time is meant to be on those literally around me. I’ve known for awhile this will be a big year for me, as I turn 40 in March. Last year’s “adventure” seemed a bit pre-emptive — I’m excited to see what’s ahead.
If you’re intrigued by the everyday works of the Holy Spirit (he didn’t stop when the Bible ended!) I’d recommend reading Francis Chan’s book Forgotten God, and even attending a Dunamis Project if you can.
If you’re local and have questions or would like to hear more of my stories (I have so many I could tell!), I’d love to meet you at my favorite coffee shop. (And whether you’re local or not I’m absolutely open to answering questions via email too)
And if you’ve read this whole thing, THANK YOU. I’ve known for awhile I needed to condense my recent story and thoughts from the pages and pages in my journal into a shorter testimony (though this post is still 2000 words long…), and that I’ve needed to share it. I don’t know if the people in my life have seen a shift in me or not over the last few years, but just in case I’ve been dubbed “crazy”, this is why. 🙂
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
P.S. This song by Addison Road came out 15+ years ago, and has recently become my theme song:
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories, and I learned to talk about
How you were mighty to save
But those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
And where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury? Are you sacred, are you beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of holy?
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